so, I'm lazy about doing anything recently... but I think that's ok. I deserve to take some time and get my life figured out a bit. I took some footage of my friend clowning around during the freemont street experience light show. I'll post once edited.

I'm trying to not be so darn negative (see previous post), and I think I'm doing OK. I am excited tho because.... I GOT A CAMERA!! yay!! I have some movie ideas. woo hoo!!

the number to the right over there by itself is my count down to anime expo! (yay!!) I'm going to put a box around it stating as much. I changed hosting companies again, wich means this thing should be up now around the clock. I had my second anxiety attack ever tonight. Not good. this one was not nearly as bad as the first, tho. No screaming and crying and hyperventalation this time. I don't know if anyone really knows how hard things are for me right now. And it's for no reason whatsoever. Well, there are reasons but it's not like anything happened that triggered it. Man, I hate myself. And what's worse is I hate hating myself even more than I hate myself. Actually I think that's a good thing (if you can translate the previous sentence from Susan-speak), it most likely means I'm ready to actually get help. Basically I am so sick of hating myself the only option is to get professional help. So I am.

so blogger got new templates, I kinda like this one but I think I'm gonna tweak it abit... and comments can now be added. go me! mabey I'll ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING with this space. mabey not.

If I sing a song would you sing along or should I just singing right here by myself?
If I tell you I'm strong will you play along or will you see I'm as insecure as ceverybody else?
If I follow along does it mean I belong or will I keep feeling different from everybody else?

yay! bluman group rocks!! and with Dave Matthews no less!!

Well, as I'm writing this my site is currently down. fuck. wow did I pick the wrong hosting company.

So, how can I keep my rat from biting me? It's not like she bites hard, but it's really pissing me off. I really like this rat, even tho she's kinda goofy. I guess I just feel like posting something here to get in to the 'spirit' of this whole blogging thing. So, the rat is the only thing I can think of that's not like an incredibly seriouls topic right now. Ninja Squeaks isn't going to make me cry, unless she starts biting harder of course. Why does life have to be so full of stupid drama?!? It was never like this before. It has something to do with 2004, I'm convinced. My 14 year depression has hit a new high (or low depending on how you look at it). I'm so sick of being depressed. blah.