Today is "f@#%kday" as in "F@#%k it's Monday, and I don't want to be at work!!"

It's real, I swear look it up....

No, don't. I just made that one up.

Me + any kind of athletic activity = ??? I didn't think the day would come. But I am on a softball team, and this is my third season. And I'm improving. I still suck, but it's ok. This is partly because my team puts up with the fact that I'm a softball newbie, even tho most of them play on more than one team and have been playing for years. The team is actually good. We are in first place at the moment. yay!!! I'm glad that everyone on my team is nice, cause I've seen some people on the field that aren't.
Anyway.


Plus I'm excited about the winter coming so I can snowboard. Hopefully I will have the cash for lift tickets.

All this is really good for me as I am the most uncoordinated person on the planet. Mabey I should have done this sooner?

nah.

Apparenlty, it's Humpday (aka Wednesday). As in the middle or "hump" part of the week. I had never heard this term before. kinda strange if you ask me.

I stopped playing RO (sort of), and I realize how much time it can really suck away. I think I want to get back to playing console games. This will get me out of my bedroom and break the cycle of work, ro, sleep.... well, it's not quite that bad but it's been bad enough.

On a very strange (to me) note, I'm actually *starting* to feel good. For the first time since, well... for the first time ever. Sreiously. I'm not exagerating. Not to say that I'm over everything, because I have alot to get over. There is alot I am upset about. But I do feel good today.

I forget what progress is sometimes. I think part of my problem is I want to (and think that I can) do eveything at once. If I can get up every morning, get a shower, have my hair and makeup done, be fed, and get to work on time, THAT would be progress. One step at a time.

So this morning: shower, makeup, breakfast, work at 9:10. Not too bad. should be at work at 9, however. And hair pulled back in a scrunchie. But that's usual.

Of course I had all kinds of plans to clean this morning. This is what I'm talking about. Did I get any of that done? hahaahaha!! Like I ever do. I jsut need to change my focus a bit I think.

Well ok I definately need to change my focus as I have rediscoverd my RO addiction. I have this time decided that I am going to be an alchemist. Now that my swordsman is a high-ish lvl (51, I think) I am realizing how much I screwed up the build. So, no second job change (crusader) for that character at the moment. Not bad at all for a first char tho. I looked into what my perfect char would be and decided to be gutsy and make a battle alchemist. It's going very well, even tho I am currently still a merchant. This is why I am addicted again. That plus that other game that I am beta testing.... sheesh.

eeek!! My change from breakfast this morning was $6.66.... That can't be a good sign. LOL

Soo much stress and emotions running around inside my head. But it's good stress. I don't know how to explain it really. My friend Kelly's marriage gives me closure in so many ways, somehow. Some reading this may have half a clue as to what I mean, some may have no idea, and then some may know all too well what I am talking about.

Anyway, I love Kelly like a sister and was honored to be her maid of honor (sounds kinda redundant, huh?).

Moving back in time, to a couple weeks ago, I have some pics from the faire weekend in California. Not much really, but here goes:


LOOK! It's the GREEN HAIRED HORNY DEVIL!!!

aka. My sister, Jen (with a side of cleavage, apologies to... well, you know who you are with the cleavage).


Keeping in mind that it takes me 20 mins to get to work, this was my hair 25 minutes before I was supposed to be to work on the Monday after the faire:





And this is my hair 20 minutes before I'm supposed to be at work:





I loved the braid. ::sigh::

But anyway, the question is: why the hell didn't I just hook the camera up to my computer and take a pic of myself that way? It would have been much easier. LMFAO!!! oh well.

WHITE WOMAN's FRO!!!!! woo hoo!

This is sort of like what happened in August. All kinds of stuff happened that was "blog-worthy" but I didn't blog. In the case of August, however I just kept on not blogging. I have so much to say about this weekend, but my friend Kelly (who has been living in England) is coming back tonight. Then she's getting married next Friday, and her and her new husband will head back "home" to England. I get my bridesmaid dress tonight! I'm so excited for her!! I can't wait to meet her Mal (soon to be husband). Oh well. Somehow I will get caught up on life. Things are getting better I think.

I finally decide to post pics and my camera battery needs to be charged. blah. Oh well. Tomorrow morning then. I've been feeling really strange recently. Since this weekend especially I think. Not sure why. Everything is "ok" at the moment. :0D

So I'm headed up to northern California tonight for the weekend because Bunny made Phill a pair of pants and wants to give them to him for her birthday (none of that is a typo by the way). Should be interesting.

I was thinking about things and I realized that the month of August is kinda missing. Like it's just a blur. I know I did stuff, and went places, and saw people and whatnot. But the thing that stands out the most is one day where I forgot to take my anti-depressant, got so sick of my room looking the way it was and I just cleaned. My room was such a mess and I was really unmotivated. That was the month of August. I thought about this and realized that I started taking the anti-sleeping pills right at the beginnig of August. The combo of pills was not a good one for me. I had no idea untill I got off the provigil(anti-sleep). Only then did I look back and think "wtf happened to August!?!". So they switched my provigil with adderall (ADHD medication, but can also be used for narcolepsy). Sheesh. The whole pill thing (wich is supposed to keep me from being crazy, heh) is making me crazy.

Just check out all my blog entries from the end of July untill now...
What me cynical? never!

K, I'm blogging more than once/twice a week now, or was it down to once a month? heh. Dosen't really matter. It's easier to write more when you actually know people read what you write. Altho I don't really know what difference that makes, since I'm only doing this for myself. It's good to be loved :0) I think that's why.

All I do is sleep, it's realy bumming me out.

"Take this pill and you won't be depressed anymore!"

Yes very true, but I just wish the pill would not make me so darn tired I can't enjoy my non-deprssed state cause I'm so fucking tired. So I get pills to keep me awake, but they are ceasing to work and they make my jaw stiff. Very strange. So for awhile I would wake up take the pill to keep me up and go back to bed. And then I would still get to work around 9:30-10 when I should be there at 9. But then at least I would be semi awake during the day.

I have momentarily stopped the pills that keep me awake and at the doctors suggestion I am going to take my anti-depressant a bit earlier in the evening. I got a perscription for different keep me awake pills, but I can't fill it till Thurs when I get some money cause I am broke at the moment. So it's going to be yoga and caffiene for the next couple of days.

Wish me luck.

So I got some interesting reactions to the last pic I posted. Either I'm old, or I'm a real hottie. LOL!!! It was just a "I have to take a pic of myself before I wash my hair and the color starts to fade" picture. I didn't think it was that great... or that bad either.

I am completely lacking in the motivation department. Here's hoping I can change that...

Anyway,

I have purple hair!!!

I think it's worth a picture.



hrm, I don't look too happy, do I?

wow, I'm pretty much posting like twice a week at the moment. I want to post more!! But I get too wrapped up in stupid stuff like trying to register my car and passing out for no reason. oh well.

I'm up to 316 people that have talked to my bot. That's pretty cool.

I just found out that my bot has 292 users!!  I'm so stoked.  That's from just evenings/weekends. I'm going to start leaving my computer on all day during the week....
 
This is a picture of me in the exhibit hall at anime expo 2004. I like it.  
 


 
I have recently become addicted to ragnarok.  It's been  a fun distraction.  I'm going to be a crusader eventually.  yay.
 

Must BITCH:   I went to the car dealership and picked up my 'green slip' (the thing I need to get my car registered) and somewhere in between the dealership and the DMV, I LOST THE GREEN SLIP!!!!!! So, I still can't register my car.  However we did manage to get my old car registered to my parents (they're buying it) so now I have my old plates to put on the new car.  At least *something* got accomplished today.   

SO FREAKING TIRED!!!!! AND IT'S ONLY 9:00 AAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!
sleep now.

Well, I am TERRIBLE about doing anything recently!!!!!
Mostly because I have been sick for about a week immediately upon returning back from anime expo. :0(
As I begin the journey to rejoin the world of the functional, here is a picture of my car:


and a picture of me with said car:

Too much crap has been going on, so I haven't posted much.
The most notable thing being:

******I BOUGHT MY FIRST NEW CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!******

FULLY LOADED 2004 TOYOTA MATRIX!!!!!!!!

a lengthy post with photos will follow.

My friend is getting married in October. That's really cool and all the only thing is the dude lives in England. So she's been planning for months to go to the British Consulate in Los Angeles to get her visa. She doesn't drive so I agreed to drive her. It would be a nifty little road trip before she moves across the freaking planet.

So I took a day off of work and drove us all the way to Los Angeles and they wouldn't give her the visa. It was already paid for and everything! I guess if you get the fiance visa you have to be getting married in the UK. Apparently nobody informed her or her man of this fact. Whatever!

So our trip was wasted but we had an good time anyway(after getting over being pissed off about the visa). We went to Venice and did a little bit of shopping. Well, as much as 2 broke people can shop.

The room we ended up staying in looked like it belonged to someone's grandma who lived on a rural farm somewhere. I made a small documentary about this fact. My first actual "movie", if you can call it that. You can't but it's still funny. If you have read this far you are required to watch the movie and leave some kind of (preferably favorable) comment. You can't say I'm lame cause I already know.

larger version
small version

So here's a really cute picture I took of my parents dog, probably the best ever Bob picture:

Not that you can tell but I took this right after he'd been groomed.

I've been sick all weekend. Not really sick, but just sick enough to make me sleep all weekend. Wich *really* sucks because work is kinda critical right now, and I'm driving to California tomorrow night. I'm bummed because I missed my weekend. There was a whole bunch of stuff I wanted to do this weekend and people I haven't seen in awhile that I wanted to see, and I missed out!! You know the feeling when you're sick and you feel like you're missing out on your own life?

Nobody I've told to come here and commet has been commenting. Grrrrr!!!!

It's so strange, it's as if nothing is going on, yet so much stuff is happening. *THREE* trips to California between now and the 5th of next month! Softball is starting up again, people are getting married, etc. All this stuff costs MONEY!! Wich I have very little of. :( Just got paid today, trying to see how far I can s-t-r-e-t-c-h it all. sheesh.

It's the most entertaining thing in the world having a chat bot, I have discovered. What I don't quite understand is why some of the same people come and talk to the bot repeatedly.

And yes, I am still looking into programming a zork bot.

So, my wonderful friend Romina has made a deal with me. She has agreed to give me another pedicure as long as I post a picture of my newly decorated piggies here. But of course.

I threw out my bed. As of tonight I am sleeping on a beanbag bed for awhile.

So I went to sharkreef last week and here is a picture I took (with the new camera of course) of a lionfish:



and an alligator:


I thought both of them came out pretty good. I have video too, but the battery on my camera died, so I need to charge it. I've still been lazy, I'm trying to make an effort to take better care of myself. Which is going OK, except for the bed situation. Last night I couldn't sleep. First off my bed is a hand-me-down bed and it is bowed in the middle. Secondly, my ears are sore cause I got them pierecd for the fourth time so I can't quite lie on my side properly. Then I realized that my fish tank needed water cause it was making too much noise, so I finally gave in to that and put some water in the tank. Then I found a semi-cofortable spot on the bed and a leftover cricket in the lizard's cage started chirping, so I shut my door. I was unable to get comfortable on the bed so I finally got up and turned my beanbag into a bed and dragged it into the middle of my bedroom floor (not that easy of a feat for one person, it's a king size). By this time it is like 4:20 in the am. Finally Ninja Squeaks decided she had never had a drink in her life and spent like 10 minutes emptying her water bottle. So now my dillema is weather I should keep the beanbag as a bed, using it soley as my bed, or trek accross town to pick up another hand-me-down bed from a friend tomorrow. Either way the bed I have now is going in the dumpster tomorrow.

In other news, I'm very pissed off, no way in hell do I agree with:
this list. Some of it goes without saying, but "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel, "What's Up?" by 4 Non Blondes?? Just to point out a couple of their misrepresented songs... sheesh who the hell put toghether this list anyway!?!

OK, so I'm done ranting there. That's all I have to say for this evening. More sooner this time (shush Robert).

so, I'm lazy about doing anything recently... but I think that's ok. I deserve to take some time and get my life figured out a bit. I took some footage of my friend clowning around during the freemont street experience light show. I'll post once edited.

I'm trying to not be so darn negative (see previous post), and I think I'm doing OK. I am excited tho because.... I GOT A CAMERA!! yay!! I have some movie ideas. woo hoo!!

the number to the right over there by itself is my count down to anime expo! (yay!!) I'm going to put a box around it stating as much. I changed hosting companies again, wich means this thing should be up now around the clock. I had my second anxiety attack ever tonight. Not good. this one was not nearly as bad as the first, tho. No screaming and crying and hyperventalation this time. I don't know if anyone really knows how hard things are for me right now. And it's for no reason whatsoever. Well, there are reasons but it's not like anything happened that triggered it. Man, I hate myself. And what's worse is I hate hating myself even more than I hate myself. Actually I think that's a good thing (if you can translate the previous sentence from Susan-speak), it most likely means I'm ready to actually get help. Basically I am so sick of hating myself the only option is to get professional help. So I am.

so blogger got new templates, I kinda like this one but I think I'm gonna tweak it abit... and comments can now be added. go me! mabey I'll ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING with this space. mabey not.

If I sing a song would you sing along or should I just singing right here by myself?
If I tell you I'm strong will you play along or will you see I'm as insecure as ceverybody else?
If I follow along does it mean I belong or will I keep feeling different from everybody else?

yay! bluman group rocks!! and with Dave Matthews no less!!

Well, as I'm writing this my site is currently down. fuck. wow did I pick the wrong hosting company.

So, how can I keep my rat from biting me? It's not like she bites hard, but it's really pissing me off. I really like this rat, even tho she's kinda goofy. I guess I just feel like posting something here to get in to the 'spirit' of this whole blogging thing. So, the rat is the only thing I can think of that's not like an incredibly seriouls topic right now. Ninja Squeaks isn't going to make me cry, unless she starts biting harder of course. Why does life have to be so full of stupid drama?!? It was never like this before. It has something to do with 2004, I'm convinced. My 14 year depression has hit a new high (or low depending on how you look at it). I'm so sick of being depressed. blah.

ok, so I'm finally posting!! now I can redo this and make a real layout. *whew* took enough to get this far... Hosting problems that is. I'm ok. Things can only get better!!!